Single.

Hey friends. I know, I know, who’s that girl? It’s been almost a full year since I last blogged, and there are so many changes that have been made in my Life since.

For starters, I am now single. What a gross word, single. Single, only one. Alone. Blech. I prefer- on my own, or newly liberated. Okay, maybe that was a step too far, but I don’t feel alone. Honestly, I feel free. I feel relieved, I feel renewed, and I feel like I have a wonderful chance to ‘start over’ and create the exact Life I’d like to lead.

The choice to leave my wonderful Jacob was not an easy one, because he honestly did nothing wrong. He was always kind to me, cared for me, and wanted the best for me. He never hurt me, cheated on me, or did me wrong. So why leave? I wish I could answer simply. In short, my giving, nurturing nature got the best of me, and I had forgotten to live for myself. Everything I did was to make sure Jake was happy, healthy, taken care of , fed, clothed, etc. Things a mother does for her child, not a girlfriend for a boyfriend. My definition of love was to martyr myself for his happiness, something I put completely on myself. This makes it even harder to be away from him now, because I still care for him deeply, but I know a relationship isn’t in my best interest right now.

I have goals that I want to achieve, things that I want to be proud of accomplishing completely on my own. It’s important for me to take time in my early 20’s (can you believe I’ll be 22 in a matter of months?) to assert myself as being independent. It’s important to me to feel free to make whatever decisions about my life I see fit. Yes, I am being selfish. But if not now, when? I haven’t been single since I was 17, and I just didn’t want to live my life and never know what it felt like to be on my own. I felt there was a very important chunk of Life experience waiting for me, calling to be explored on my own. Along the way, there are things I’d like to gain. Continue reading

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Teary Eyes and Valentines

Let me begin this post by saying that I have no plans regarding how all this is going to go down. I don’t even have a title of this post yet, I literally just started typing. Sometimes just writing things out makes them easier to sort and think through, so that’s what I’m attempting to do here.

And now on to the meat of this post. Ladies and gentlemen, as I’m sure you all are fully aware, today is indeed Valentine’s Day. Let me let you know now that this is not a post bashing Valentine’s Day. I love Valentine’s Day!! Single or not, I think everyone can enjoy Valentine’s Day as a celebration of love in all of its forms, whether it be in a relationship or simply a friendship. That being said, I found myself playing out the stereotypical single girl on Valentine’s Day. Seriously. I’m literally sitting here on the verge of tears feeling sorry for myself and wishing I had more chocolates.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t this pitiful the entire day. Up until about 3 hours ago, I was fine. I made cupcakes and cookies for my classmates, and received nothing but compliments and gratitude for them. It really is satisfying, knowing you’ve made someone’s day just a bit better, even if it was just for as long as it takes to eat a cupcake :) Work came around and I knew it was going to be tons of couples there for dinner, but it didn’t bother me so much because I had the other hostess there to talk to. But then, her boyfriend comes in to pick her up for their date, carrying a dozen red roses, a teddy bear, and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. Completely expected, I know, but a super-sweet gesture all the same. And yes, I admit 100% to being jealous. She left, and I got sad. Like, really sad. Like, the kind of sad that might not bring tears to your eyes, but weighs down on your heart. I could feel it in my chest, the sadness just tugging at me, bringing me down just a bit more with every couple that walked into the restaurant.

All I could keep thinking about was how badly I wanted a boyfriend. How badly I wanted the obnoxious teddy bear holding a heart, the roses that would die in a few days, and a box of chocolates of which I would probably only eat half. I wanted to know that someone cared for me enough to do those things. I wanted someone who would show off how much he loved me by buying me the biggest teddy bear in the store and letting me lug it around school all day. I wanted someone who would embarrass me with the awkwardness of having the choir kids deliver a singing valentine. In conclusion, I realized that more than anything, I want to be wanted.

This of course got me thinking deeper. Why is it so important that I feel wanted? Why do I feel like I have to have the affirmation of a guy liking me to make me feel good about myself? Why isn’t enough for me to just like me for me? Why is it that I feel I need a guy telling me how beautiful or smart I am, or how pretty my laugh or smile is, in order to believe it myself? Why aren’t I good enough for myself? I feel like I’ve hit the root of my problem, and I don’t like it. I don’t like admitting that I’m not confident in myself. I don’t like admitting that I doubt myself. And I definitely don’t like admitting that me getting a boyfriend is not going to answer any of the above questions.

I don’t like that I am thinking of wanting a boyfriend in general terms, rather than trying to pursue a relationship with someone I care about. That being said, I do have a guy in mind. He’s the one that jokes around with me, then compliments my smile. He’s the one that actually listens to my recommendations, whether it be coffee, books, or music. He’s the one who I think is slightly misunderstood, but doesn’t let it get to him. He’s also the one I was never ever supposed to fall for. (Wow that was all super cheesy. My apologies for letting teenage hormones get the best of me there.) The point is, I feel like a shift in focus will be beneficial. I need to take the time to accept the good parts of me without the affirmation of others. Not sure how well it’s going to work out, being a teenage girl and all, but its always worth a shot :) Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone! <3