Hey friends. I know, I know, who’s that girl? It’s been almost a full year since I last blogged, and there are so many changes that have been made in my Life since.
For starters, I am now single. What a gross word, single. Single, only one. Alone. Blech. I prefer- on my own, or newly liberated. Okay, maybe that was a step too far, but I don’t feel alone. Honestly, I feel free. I feel relieved, I feel renewed, and I feel like I have a wonderful chance to ‘start over’ and create the exact Life I’d like to lead.
The choice to leave my wonderful Jacob was not an easy one, because he honestly did nothing wrong. He was always kind to me, cared for me, and wanted the best for me. He never hurt me, cheated on me, or did me wrong. So why leave? I wish I could answer simply. In short, my giving, nurturing nature got the best of me, and I had forgotten to live for myself. Everything I did was to make sure Jake was happy, healthy, taken care of , fed, clothed, etc. Things a mother does for her child, not a girlfriend for a boyfriend. My definition of love was to martyr myself for his happiness, something I put completely on myself. This makes it even harder to be away from him now, because I still care for him deeply, but I know a relationship isn’t in my best interest right now.
I have goals that I want to achieve, things that I want to be proud of accomplishing completely on my own. It’s important for me to take time in my early 20’s (can you believe I’ll be 22 in a matter of months?) to assert myself as being independent. It’s important to me to feel free to make whatever decisions about my life I see fit. Yes, I am being selfish. But if not now, when? I haven’t been single since I was 17, and I just didn’t want to live my life and never know what it felt like to be on my own. I felt there was a very important chunk of Life experience waiting for me, calling to be explored on my own. Along the way, there are things I’d like to gain.
Self-confidence, for one. While I’d love to say I am SO confident about myself and my body, the truth is I struggle just like everyone else. I realized Jacob’s compliments were a crutch, though they fell in line with my primary love language, words of affirmation. He would tell me I’m beautiful, and I would smile, thank him, then look back at the mirror again with disappointment. If he sees it, why can’t I? Why do I need to hear it everyday? Being able to look in the mirror, smile, and not nitpick every detail of my face is something I would love to have happen. Of course that comes with time, but I’m ready to tackle this by myself, for myself.
A sense of fulfillment is the other thing I hope to gain from my time on my own. I ‘d like to think I’ve started doing this successfully, making an effort to get out of the house on my own and explore events like craft fairs, the Greenbelt, and other events by myself and with friends. What makes things immensely easier is having made a wonderful new friend recently! A and I met through nannying, but instantly ‘clicked’ and become great friends very quickly. Anyone else have that great feeling about someone? We’ve literally only known each other a month, but she’s been there for me throughout this process like any best friend of years would. We just ‘get’ each other, and find that we’re on the same wavelength about tons of things when it comes to childcare, (lack of) working out, crafting, thrifting, you name it. She reminds me when it’s been too long since I’ve left my comfort zone called my apartment, and is the first to volunteer to go out for sweets after a bad day. With her help, I’m re-exploring the city I love in a way that makes me so happy! I’m incredibly grateful to call her a friend.
With all the changes I’ve made lately, who knows what twists and turns Life will bring my way next. I look to the future as I always have, with wide eyes and an open mind. I’m ready for my next adventure, and I’m excited to write about it here. I hope you’ll join me once again, as there’s a little bit of everything<3 Until next time, friends!