Confidence And The Deserving Girl

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Throwing you shoulders back like you don’t care, even if you hate your outfit today. Not being asked to repeat yourself a million times. Knowing you deserve everything you work for. Not letting other’s comments make you think any less of yourself. Being a pro at hiding when you’re nervous. Asking for what you want, when you want it. Being assertive. Being fully assured of your own abilities. Never doubting yourself or your worth. Being able to show others that you are different, you rise above, and you are valuable. Believing in yourself. Never hesitating. Always focusing on the positive.

Just a short little 100 word blurb on confidence today, friends. It’s something I feel like I’ve always sort of lacked. Although I have gotten better, I feel I still have a ways to go. I’m easily intimidated by interactions with adults (Even though I’m technically an adult. I don’t feel like an adult. Am I an adult? Shit!) that seem to have more power than me. It’s silly, honestly. Like I mentioned in my last post, I’m often scared to ask for what I want, and it usually stems from a place of not feeling like I deserve it. The most relevant example of this is my confidence in my work life. I’ve always, always, been scared to ask for what I may deserve. I remember finding out how much a coworker at the mall made, knowing she had been there less time and less experience than I did. I asked her how she was able to get higher pay, and she shrugged and said, “I just asked.”

She just asked. Imagine that. I’m also terrified of being refused. In my meek little mind, the situation plays out like this- I ask for a raise I feel I deserve, am denied, and internalize the idea that no, I’m not worth the raise. How shitty of me. Like, what terrible thoughts to have about yourself! I’ve gotta work on this. But also, maybe I shouldn’t be equating pay so literally to value. Underpaid doesn’t always mean undervalued, right? But accepting lower pay shows your employer that that’s all you think you’re worth. And wouldn’t a company want an employee who is more confident in their abilities, and therefore their worth? Would I have gained more respect with my superiors if I had stood my ground in my abilities as a sales lead, and not accepted base pay? Rambles, friends. This is pure stream of consciousness, because obviously I don’t have anything figured out right now.

I have lots of work changes coming up in the next month, and I am unreasonably nervous. Most of this nervousness comes from being scared of confrontation. Problem is, this imagined ‘confrontation’ is just the idea of me asking for what I want, not confrontation at all. Why does this have to be so emotional for me? I know my value (I think), and I’m confident in my abilities (I think). But I should be confident enough to explain that to someone else, which is hard when I’m still convincing myself. I know my worth, right? If I honestly thought I was deserving of only what I have now, the idea of more wouldn’t be an idea, right? I need a negotiator. I’m too emotional for this. I’m too nice. I’m a people pleaser, and would never want to offend anyone by asking for more than I’m given, lest I give them the idea that what they’ve given me isn’t satisfactory. Like that one time at Whataburger when I asked for cheese and they forgot. I was disappointed, sure, but content to eat a burger with no cheese. Jake was the one who finally stood up and went to go ask for the cheese, since it was an extra charge that we had paid for. I pleaded with him that it wasn’t a big deal, they had made a mistake and I was fine to eat the other burger. It was then and there that I realized my lack of confidence was a real problem. I was literally too scared to go up and ask the high schooler working the cash register for cheese, even though it was something I had paid for, and was therefore entitled to. The fact that Jake had to go up there and get it for me was embarrassing, and as I sit here explaining it, I am on the verge of tears.

Deep breaths, Alyssa. Don’t cry in the middle of Starbucks, jeez. How do I get over this? 100 self-affirmations in the mirror every morning? Purposely putting myself in a situation where I have to stand my ground? I literally don’t even like asking for help finding items from store employees, it’s ridiculous. This self-realization is not pleasing in any way, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? My name is Alyssa, and I have a confidence problem that extends farther into my life than I had imagined. Do others realize? Am I a pushover? I know Jake realizes, because he’s always the one pushing me to ask for more, stand up for myself, know what I deserve, etc. Thinking about it now, he’s pretty awesome in helping with my confidence. I’m so incredibly lucky. Tears again, goodness. Alright I’ve got to wrap this up on a better note. So we’ll go searching for the positive.

Affirmations? Sure! That’s my plan! These are adapted from this list of 100 affirmations. Pick your favorites and print them out, write them down-make sure you see them every day!

  1. No one else in this world is exactly like me, and no one else has the same gifts to offer the world.
  2. I engage in work that impacts this world in a positive, meaningful way.
  3. I choose to see the light that I am to this world.
  4. I am aligned with the energy of abundance.
  5. I let go of worries that drain my energy.

I feel a bit better friends, I do. Also, if you can’t tell, I am a firm believe in the power of positive thinking…. even if I haven’t been doing such a great job of living it lately. Sometimes  it just takes a day (like today, explaining and talking through my issue) to recognize a knot or twist in your life, and help you realign yourself with your positive energy. You attract the energy you put out into the Universe, friends, so take a moment to smile today. Your thoughts become your reality, so think up a bright day :) Have a wonderful rest of your week, friends, and I hope to see you back here soon!

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