- I’m Not Addicted to Sugar- Ya’ll, this one’s bad. It’s so bad that people are now constantly buying me candy because they know it actually makes me so happy. I seriously can’t resist a bag of Haribo Happy Cola gummies (my favorite, but you can’t find them everywhere!), Trolli sour gummy worms, Sour Patch Kids Watermelons, Airheads Xtremes Rainbow Berry sour belts, and just plain ol’ gummy bears. Seeing a trend? These are literally all my favorite candies, and they all are also the ones that are just gummi-fied sugar with some coloring. Yay.
- I Can Handle This Ice Cream/Smoothie/Frappucino/etc.- Nope. Not even close. Can’t do it. My stomach hates milk with a burning passion (See what I did there? Oh I’m 20 years old and can’t make poop jokes? Okay, got it.). I don’t know what posseses me to just give it a go and hope things turn out, but I always almost immediately regret it. It hurts so bad because I love smoothies with a passion, but I hate making them at home because blenders are large and difficult to clean. Guess I’ll go eat my Raisin Bran with almond milk for dessert now. *cries*
- I Can Handle Coffee- Lies, lies, and more lies. At one point, I really could, and that’s why I’m so distressed over this one. There was a time, in a fantasy land long ago, that I would walk from work to Starbucks and order myself a grande soy white chocolate mocha with no whip, and be perfectly fine. Those days have passed, and now I can’t even have more than a few sips of the stuff before running to the bathroom. What it is about the coffee that bothers my stomach now is honestly still a mystery, because I can handle the caffeine in RedBull fine (okay, so long as I sip it slow and make sure I have food in my stomach). As I’m writing this though, I’m drinking the new Starbucks Cold Brew, which supposedly has less acidity than a regular cup, so I’m thinking maybe I’ll be okay. Time will tell, friends.
- I Can Handle My Liquor- Seeing a trend? I always think I’m doing fine until 2 shots too late. My tiny 4’11”, 110 lb frame definitely doesn’t help that out. I can get tipsy off one good margarita like a champ. It’s a skill, friends! Who wants to buy more drinks when you’re already feeling good? Sure I can only have one drink to everyone else’s 3, but at least I’ve learned to sip it. I’ve spent too many mornings in stomach agony to try to push this one anymore.
- I Can Handle This Pizza/Burger/Other Greasy Food- As you can see, my stomach and I really aren’t on the greatest of terms most of the time. It forces me to actually plan ahead what I eat, and I do eat healthier because of it, but nothing beats a real greasy burger at 2am after a night out. Unfortunately, my stomach won’t agree, so I’m the lame girl that ordered chicken sandwiches and salads from McDonald’s. Also, I love pizza, especially of the bacon and pepperoni-topped variety, but my stomach yells at me after two grease Pizza Hut slices, and I’m left dreaming about all the bacon and cheese deliciousness that could have been.
- I’m a Great Driver- I have never been in a car accident, friends! Isn’t that something to be proud of? Oh… you know me from high school and know I totaled my first car…? Technicality friends, I wasn’t driving! Boom! I mean yeah I had to get a new car, and my best friend who was driving was pretty banged up, and I had to get picked up from the hospital by my parents since I was under 18 and couldn’t just sign off that I was fine, but I, personally, have never caused an accident. That being said though, if you talk to either of my parents or my boyfriend, they swear up and down that I’m a terrible driver. Sure, there are some close calls here and there, and who doesn’t hit a few curbs every now and then? Most of the bumps and nicks on my car are just the result of a bad parking job (backing up into a wall and scratching my bumper, driving over a parking stop, hitting a curb on a median…), but again, I’ve never been in an accident!
- I’m Not Bossy- Just ask my boyfriend. I am a wonderful calm person who loves to hear the opinions of others and takes everyone’s ideas into consideration before making a final decision for the good of the group. Just kidding. On multiple occasions in high school I willingly chose to do an entire group project by myself, because I don’t have time for people’s excuses, bad work, and lack of neatness. Plus no one can do it better than I can, obviously.
- I Don’t Miss High School- I know it sounds crazy guys. I love where I am now. I love living in Austin and living with Jacob. I love my job, getting to go out with friends whenever I want, and just generally doing whatever I please. But… wasn’t high school so much simpler? Adult-ing is way more expensive than I could have ever imagined. As a high schooler, never did I dream that in a few short years I would be shelling out nearly $800 a month for rent. In high school I just had to figure out how to manage my frozen yogurt addiction to have enough to go to the movies whenever I wanted, using just my barely $200 paychecks from my hostessing job. Plus, the idea of having the school day structured for you doesn’t sound so terrible anymore either. Oh, you’re a teacher, and you’re going to tell me exactly what you expect from me? THANK YOU. Come teach college classes, please.
- I’m Not Allergic to Pets- I am, sorry. I mean my throat won’t close up and suffocate me if I get within 10 feet of your dog, it’s not that bad. But if I pet your dog or cat and don’t immediately wash my hands, I will break out in these tiny, itchy red bumps, my eyes will water, and I will start sneezing uncontrollably. It’s not cute. That being said, I know I can build a tolerance after a while if I’m around the same pet long enough. How do you think I survived living at home with two dogs, and two cats? Also, don’t forget the turtle! Not allergic, but my pet Ninja was really very cute and worth mentioning.
- I Know Exactly What I’m Doing- Don’t be fooled, friends. As many times as I’d like to think this is true, we’re all just living and learning one day at a time. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I hope it brings bacon and painting, but there’s just no knowing for sure. And that’s okay. I don’t have to have it all figured out in order to move forward, and even though it’s scary to keep walking along without a light, I know everyone is the same. Sure, some people have their
shitstuff together a little more than others. (As my mom reminds me, I can’t expected to be treated like a lady when I cuss like a sailor. It’s a bad habit I know I need to cut.) And some people really don’t have anything figured out (read: me!), but it doesn’t make anyone better or worse than anyone else. You’re 20 and know your whole life plan and you’re going to graduate college in 3 years instead of 4 and you’re getting your masters and your boyfriend is perfect and everything is great? AWESOME. I’m going to do the best that I can tomorrow, and that’s enough. I’m going to continue to pursue my goals, whatever they may or may not turn out to me. I don’t know what I’m doing. I hardly ever do. But the best things are learned when you least expect them, right? I’ve got so much learning to do, about goals and work, family and friends, this life and the next. I have so much to learn about love and loving others, loving myself, loving my family. I don’t have it all figured out. And that’s okay with me.